Thoughts As I Investigate the Facebook Timeline of a Girl I Knew in Middle School, the First and Thusfar Only Pregnant Biddy I’ve Ever Seen on My Newsfeed
- This girl I knew in middle school has a fucking baby? And I’m finding out through Facebook?
- She’s dating a gross 30 year old looking dude.
- He looks like he plays Magic in his basement with one hand and jerks off to hentai with the other.
- IF YOUR COVER PHOTO IS YOUR BABY YOU ARE NOT OLD ENOUGH TO HAVE ONE.
- Oh my God, people wished her Happy Mother’s Day. SOMEONE MY AGE IS IN THE POSITION TO BE WISHED A HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY.
- Holy fuck the gross 30 year old is the father. I think?
- I hate everything right now.
- This guy looks like he works at a used car dealership.
- Oh my God, she’s working at a FedEx. A fucking FedEx. Not even one of those fancy FedEx Kinkos establishments. JUST FEDEX.
- Do those even exist anymore? FedEx sans Kinkos? Is that where they put all the people who aren’t qualified to handle photocopiers?
- I’m an enormous judgmental asshole, but this is the first pregnant girl I’ve ever seen on my newsfeed so I’M ALLOWED THIS ONE, LIFE. JUST LET ME HAVE THE ONE.